The Quill

First  thing that we tend to notice is that almost all aliens are butt-naked. Judging from Hollywood movies, aliens in general seem to favor the hippy lifestyle over tight pants and social fashion. Plus, it seems being pant-less and liberated is good for those casual & practical hanky panky sessions as lets just say one bent over alien calibrates the spaceships’s anti-grav thrusters while another passing by alien quickly rear calibrates that inviting alien ass with a bang bang thank you grey mam just for good measure.

Two: for space faring technologically advanced creatures, aliens do tend to fly alot in random patterns in the sky that make no sane sense whatsoever juding from youtube videos. Plus all their ships seem to be designed be be blurry like an annoying fly buzzing around your face as you try to smack it.

Three: aliens seem to like to abduct ugly horny people to have sex with them in the middle of the night according to some renowned shrinks that still believe that making patients who suffer from sleep apnea even more susceptible to imagining wild things by putting them on a sofa also much similar to an alien table and then putting them in a suggestible hypnosis state to ask them when aliens abducted them and where they were probed is a good thing.. So judging from that fact we can safely say that aliens are either philanthropic goodhearted freakazoids giving out free sex to all those who need it most or are they just plane old blind tasteless bastards who like to probe things purely for the heck of it.

Four: some aliens seem to look exactly like us judging by some cheap movies and series like StarGate SG-1. So in essence next time you see a policeman or janitor or stripper watch out she could be a potential alien. But dont worry though about politicians being aliens because only a true human prick has what it takes to be a politician and hunt down illegal border aliens publicly while privately hiring them as cheap labor.

Five: some aliens seem to have developped a good sense of judgement judging from their fast extermination level reaction they exhibit on contact with us that is much similar to the reaction we ourselves have whenever we spot a cockroach in the house and head straight for that special sandal or that Baygon spray bottle.

Six: everything we know of the universe is thanks to one or more species of nice aliens judging by some enlightened online websites too, from teaching us to write to building really big pointless structures like the Pyramids for us and even for engineering our DNA. So in the end, a bullshit article like this one owes some ancient aliens somewhere a dept of thanks for making all this crap possible.

Seven: aliens are everywhere here yet we cant detect any artificially made space traffic signals from any of them, anywhere, anytime.. which goes to show that aliens also use telepathy for both communication and long distance faster-than-light travel.

Eight: alien sightings are finally more numerous than accounts of seeing Jesus, ghosts, Elvis Presly, Santa and Bigfoot all combined together. This rise in reported sightings after each hollywood blockbuster movie release just makes the critical thinking masses just the more aware of their presence around them.

Nine: we also know now that we can defeat any alien invaders that are thousands of years ahead of us technologically just by keeping up a good positive we-can-do-it American spirit, very much like the native indians of america defeated the european colonists that came to their continent and who were just a few hundred centuries more advanced than them..

Tenth & finally we learn that almost all aliens are most likely a bunch of stupid drunk retards even if they fly fancy spaceships simply for just coming here to visit us on this queer little planet in the first place.

Natasha Henstridge, kindly portraying for us a naked alien as seen in Species