The Quill

 Swimming & Beach Tips:

-never swim in a pool, they have a little bit of water in them but a lot more of kiddy piss

-never swim near Beirut or Zouk, unless you like to swim in industrial waste instead of piss, go to the north or south instead

-learn to love swimming in the sea, it gives you the perfect excuse to leave your girlfriend tanning and go hit on other chicks

-think of the sea sexually, she’s all wet so just imagine how much she just wants you right now from head to feet

-dont stand there 10 minutes reluctantly thinking before getting into the water, it’s the freaking sea you are bound to get wet buddy

-when you see a big wave coming at you just swim under it, swimming over it makes as much sense as ramming yourself into a moving bus instead of just letting it pass

-there’s no need to panic when you accidentaly drink a small sip of sea water, and if you drank like 5 gallons of sea water there no need to panic as well cuz you’ll already be dead

-dont get pissed off at stupid hyper kids splashing around the pool, its a pool full of kiddy piss what the hell are you doing in it yourself in the first place

-dont nag about the quality of sea resort snacks, the food is always shit there and expensive and you’ve known that since you were 12

-dont pay money to enter a public beach, just enter it from the side. They won’t notice you cuz they are too busy ripping off other people who come from the main entrance instead

-dont throw shit on the beach, that shit just flows right back to your mouth when you swim and smile

-to increase your diving skills, dive and look for treasure gems in the water like alamza beer caps and bottles and mollusks living in cheap latex condom shells

-make sure you always bring your sun glasses, the beach is full of hotties you will want to check

-always remember sun oil is your friend, it gives you ladies that perfect broasted chicken tan & you guys get to rub that double lucky oil on your lady friends as well

-dont kiss your girl in on the beach, kiss her in the sea instead, it’s way more kinky to french kiss her in front of a confused school of fish

-dont ask east european girls on the beach if they are ‘working now’, some will ask you if you got ‘500$ on you now’ which you sure as heck won’t have

-learn to accept the fact that small stupid annoying fish will bite and nibble at your ass while swimming and that you cant do anything about that fact

-if someone is drowning immediatly rush to save them after you make sure they are hot

-dont fuck around with jellyfish, they might be brainless but they can still make you their bitch in no time

-tattoos and piercings on young people are hot, on old grannies and grand daddies they are NOT

-if you are blonde and you swim alot and you think you are Aquaman it doesnt mean you are indeed  Aquaman, it just means you are an idiot who thinks he’s Aquaman, everybody knows Aquaman isn’t a natural blonde

-never let yourself get dehydrated, you’ll start seeing dolphins as mermaids and sexing them up

-watch out for what kind of full body swimsuit you are wearing, dolphins might mistake you for one of their own and sex you up instead

-beware of jetskies, they are great but are usually driven by reckless asshole with a deathwish

-finally to avoid getting leg cramps and drowning in the sea, just eat bananas, always drink water, and exercise your muscles well.. and if all fails, just scream out loud crazy like hell !!