The Quill

I’m a big softy for romanticism. So naturally when i heard that it was making a strong comeback in 2020 i immediately donned the proper apparel to write about it. I opened my laptop and sat in my favorite boxers.

The cyber rumor mill has it that true love can be found online in these times of quarantine and social hardships down the long welcoming passageways of Tinder.

Being the refined social connoisseur that i am, i logged in to the tinder website and got an immediate ad in a tinder profile for a website offering anal sex with a local phone number.

Hmm, hey nice.. Tinder surely knows how to welcome you.

Naturally i swiped left, because i am looking for true love today and not for some overrated rear action. So next i got a profile of a hot, i mean very hot, chinese scammer. I swiped right on that one just to see where this is going.

Needless to say, I got an immediate match!

The very hot Chinese scammer lady/boy/.. wasted no time telling me i am sexy and asking for my phone number. I said can’t we talk a bit more first? No replied the hot avatar, you see english wasn’t her strong point, but she was very good at copy-pasting the english phrase about me being hot and asking for my phone number. I guess in china i’m already famous.

After a while tho i was promptly unmatched as i didn’t comply to this request. Part of me thinks a sad underpaid sweat chop worker somewhere wasn’t going to buy his favorite snack today. Heart wrenching.

Anyhows, the journey for true love must continue.

Next i said to myself, hey maybe i need to choose better profile pictures  to get better matches. So i opened my photo collection and noticed i barely had any that weren’t blurry or messy or about cats and hamsters. Ah maybe i should have paid more attention to my self image and kept a few more quality images of myself somehow. But that would require i partake in more social activities and i’m not a big fan of all that fake shit to be honest. Oh well i will make do with a nice picture of my guitar instead, i sure know it’s beautiful to me.

It’s mid day now and i swiped through a sea of selfies and duckfaces,  guys who listed themselves as women for some reason, a few feminists with nice bios about hating the patriarchy, more chinese scammers and even more profiles with pictures of flowers and weird quotes with zero real photos, strangely no real matches yet.

Finally when i was about to give up, i found the one.

She listed herself as a Girlfriend for Hire, i mean this is perfect!
She said she is pet friendly and that parents will like her also !
Available for social occasions and you didn’t have to deal with her BS later.. I was smitten by passion and wordless.

No weird sexual activities tho she emphasized, but that is also perfect, i’m not that type of weirdo who pays a fake girlfriend AND expects her to put out also. Give to god what is to god and to Caesar what is to Caesar i think Jesus said supposedly. A true gentleman pays for his fake escort girlfriend, real girlfriend, wife and hookers separately. I wasn’t raised in a barn after all, I have 2020’s proper social standards.

To make a long story short, i talked to her and she gave me a very good offer with discount and asked if i could refer her services.

To be honest when i started this journey i was doubtful of finding true love on Tinder. But i was touched somewhere along that road and now find my faith in humanity resorted greatly.

I can’t wait to introduce her to my circle of friends as my very own friendly Cinderella escort who gets paid to disappear at midnight.

I have a feeling they would love her and some might even hire her also.

2020 just keeps on giving.

All these warm progressive social options are just liberating and awesome.