The Quill

Dracula Untold the movie was better left untold. The prestigious mythos of Count Dracula the Impaler should not be trampled on and desecrated like this. As for the guys who prepared the awesome trailer that tricked us into watching it, please give them an award for their creativity and follow it by promptly arresting them for defrauding us as well.

You might think i am being too hard on this movie, but believe me i’m still gentle on it.

When the trailer first came out i was awed by it. It just looked like an interesting cool look at the origins of good old Dracula with good narrative, action, visuals and drama.

Instead when i watched it i couldn’t help wondering if the director of the movie wasn’t a 5 year old extra dim kid playing around with a colorful budget of 70 million dollar bills.

In short it is the pure product of a talentless person doing his pathetic best to showcase talent. To be fully honest i feel bad for the actors of this movie.

Yes there are a few good caliber actors in there. So i can only imagine the expression of horror on their face as they watched how the end result of their acting was put together after post production and editing finished and they showcased it on the big screen.

Let’s talk details for a bit now without wasting too much digital characters on this sad joke of a movie.

First the good. The lead actor is Luke Evans while Charles Dance plays a supporting role in it.

Both these actors have good potential which is totally wasted on this movie with its shitass flat plot characters.

And that’s the end of the positive things i can say about the movie.

For the bad, you have yourself here an open buffet.

The fighting choreography is either simply bad or just butchered by the editing. Which brings us to the second point, the editing. The editing is shit with nothing presented in an interesting fashion, either that or it was the cinematography that was total shit as it held promise but magically failed to deliver. This just isn’t a 300 movie.

But the glue that holds all this cluster fuck together is the boring stupid ass storyline.

Words cannot describe it. If this is the best way to describe how a folk hero like Count Vlad was corrupted into becoming brooding Dracula then Darwinian evolution has failed.

Didn’t the director try to just research other similar successful franchises like Castlevania before he burned 70 fucking million dollars on this boring ass shit ?

There is nothing magical here, nothing personal, nothing humane, nothing action packed, nothing interesting. You will be thanking the gods if you got yourself ample popcorn before you entered the theater.

To be fair though, the movie as a whole isn’t empty. It actually is offensive to the brain.

I’m not going to spoil anything here for you because there is nothing to spoil.

Human beings shouldn’t have to watch this pointless 92 minute crap, let alone review it.

This is just a box office popcorn bait with a sexy ass trailer.

People are tricked into watching it and that’s how many movie studios make their profit sadly.

So would i recommend you watch this movie ?

Definitely yes recommend it to someone you hate but you yourself you’ll have more fun watching an ant colony working or hanging yourself as its way less insulting to the senses.