The Quill

They say that faith can move mountains, but in the case of lebanon apparently it can detect bombs as well.

And since our safety is of critical importance to loving merchants and businessmen alike, it goes without saying that our lives are daily protected a big dosage of firm strong faith.

So what am i talking about exactly here ?

Well, have you ever went to a mall in lebanon and had your car ‘scanned’ by an idiot in a serious security uniform walking funny past you with one of these wonders in hand ?

observe the focus in his walk as he administers to himself a drunken sobriety walk test while detecting that 40kg bomb you have lodged in your car trunk

If so, then consider yourself one of the millions of lucky lebanese whose lives and wellbeing are dependent on the ability of a random guy to hold in his hand one magical wand stick and ‘feel’ the presence of a bomb nearby..

Now dont get me wrong i have nothing against magic wands. Harry Potter has used them many times to great success against the evil Voldermort and even his grand master Dumbledor had a very viril wooden wand that was claimed to be the stiffest and strongest of all magic wands this side of the wooden wands pride parade.

& here’s  a picture of Emma Watson holding a wand, but who gives a shit about wands here we just want to see more of Emma to be honest !

Now in case you were one of those critical fellas who doesnt immediately believe in the science of wands, then allow me to please give you a quick reassuring brief scientific description of the science here at hand.

You see, long before people were able to detect bombs and ghosts and lepricons with wands, they were able to detect the presence of water underground with wands using the age old proven practice of water Dowsing.

somewhere here, there is water somewhere..

Dowsing is very straightforward to understand if given half a chance.

Basically what one needs to do is just get a fork-shaped wooden stick from the ground that looks like legs spread wide open and ready for scissoring, bend it around if you must too and appreciate its stiff phallic wooden nature, and then proceed to hold that stick in your hands and walk around aimlessly ..

The moment you feel the stick vibrating in your hand you know for certain that there is either water under you now or that you are a complete moron standing there. And since the odds of finding water with this method is pretty much the same as asking a beaver to randomly dig holes in the ground til it finds a fountain, you can safely rest assured then that the practice of Dowsing has a long proven history of being used by professional seasoned dowsing morons with lots of experience and time on their hands who spent years looking for water and digging random holes in the ground without noticing that there is something seriously wrong here at hand.

pictured here,  a seasoned man that knows all about water dowsing

& pictured here, a beaver who isnt a moron

Now most bomb detection in lebanon comes from that same branch of age old science and has nothing to do with those amateurish molecular residue scanners you use to physically swipe against stuff or anything as stupid as that that requires people with a positive IQ to buy and operate them. Even the services of sniffing dogs were retired to give them a long deserved rest.

Come to the rescue Sniffex and Quadro and all other assorted proffesional bomb dowsing kits.

Don’t mind the deceptive name, a detector like Sniffex doesn’t sniff shit accordingly to their manual. It’s much more high tech than this.

Sniffex and Quadro and their like operate on the very secretive patented technologies of electro-magnetic-atomic-bomb-fields dowsing that totally runs on faith. It’s awesome.

Basically it means that much like in the worlds of DC and Marvel comics, the molecules of a bomb compound now actually have an electro magnetic influence on other things for dozens of meters away and run on different cosmic physic rulesets its seems, and your magical detector can detect that crap.

And not just any bomb molecule, but most bomb molecules apparently have this comic book scientific trait according to the bomb detection kits patent records.

So in effect a properly designed rod/wand metal detector can ‘triangulate’ the presence of almost any explosive materials by simply having a erection boner pointing towards it from up to as much as 30 meters away like it was Megan Fox standing there giving herself a sponge bath in public drawing attention.

And the delicate science of bomb dowsing doesn’t just stop there, for much like its cousin art of water dowsing, the detector will not operate without the presence of a human being operating it. And operate it properly he must, for one wrong step while walking can upset the delicate detection algorithm built inside the detector chamber. For you see the detector is made on the outside of the finest state of the art junk metal, while on the inside of the handle the metal wand has a pivot ball surrounded by a couple of magnets which makes it wobble around very scientifically to any change in motion and gets affected by the presence of any of the millions of random magnetic fields around us daily in life.

it’s like a dildo of metal, only a dildo is bigger in girth and actually works

Such very accurate bomb detection kits cost in the thousands of dollars and showcase the true added value of such a technology with its raw material components not costing more than 2 dollars at best perhaps.

And since the companies that produce them are ever so generous, and since it always takes two to mambo and at least one person to appreciate the power of self deception, the detectors come with no batteries or any way to recharge them whatsoever, hence saving the clients precious dollars on batteries and electricity bills and making use in a green-friendly way of the body’s electro energy according to the detector’s manuals.

The fact that this piece of marvelous shit technology can’t detect a bomb even if it sat and shat on it without the operator manually wiggling it around randomly while being as optimistic as the captain of the the Titanic was when he finally saw the iceberg already cutting through half his ship, has nothing to do with the fact that it MUST work without any batteries installed or else how the fuck would it wiggle around randomly by itself since it’s nothing but a junk piece of metal and magnets throw together and given a magical name.

True, some shortsighted people have raised some eyebrows and put to question the validity and use of such bomb dowsing detectors that run on faith, but a quick google search quickly dispenses such doubts and yields that the US navy indeed did field test these ‘detector’ units and found them as useful and as sucessful as a blind monkey is when charged with detecting bombs while equipped with state of the art ass scratching wooden sticks as well, which is good enough of a result perhaps for any third world country to use it seems. Plus everybody knows that the US navy and test monkeys in general dont have half the faith in bullshit as impoverished third world countries do in order to get better faith based results.

Also, there seems to be a few cases of courts shutting down the businesses of these companies who produce these magic wands and a complete sanction against using them in civilized states but that only goes to show that such countries dont have as good hearted merchants and businessmen as we here do who buy these sticks for a mere penny and sell them for a fortune of green cash, all surely donated to orphans and karitas.

Even that famous asshole the Amazing Randi who debunked countless crooks and magicians like that cheap fake Uri Geller put forward a 1 million dollar reward for anyone who can prove these detectors actually work by passing the double blind test. But we all know skeptics like Randi are just dicks and party poopers and it’s only a matter of time before some of these companies that produce this crap take up his challenge and the test..

James Randi, debunking assholes since forever..

Now to really showcase the true value of these bomb detectors without arguing more with this and that doubtful Thomas and annoying critics about the detector’s validity and success rate, one would only need to take a quick look at which countries actually buy them and use them to great effect and are well known to be the most bomb free secure places on earth hence putting all our minds rest :

-Iraq

-Afghanistan

-Lebanon

As you can see the success rate of stemming and stopping bombs by detecting them in these 3 aformentioned countries has a stellar record of being proportional to the genius level of the societies there and the low level of corruption governing their states where stuff like that cant be bought and sold under the radar and newspapers and tv stations and officials cant be told to keep it hush hush for business or political gains.

Truth be sad, i do prefer to have a monkey searching my car on mall and parking entrances than to have such a stupid device paraded in front of my car in a sad attempt to detect bombs although they do provide some funny comedic relief truth be said when they detect your Ck perfume instead and tell you that sorry sir shit like that normally happens and that everything is ok.. ya right!

everybody calm down, that was just a flat tire, this zone is protected by magical dowsing wands

It’s really strange that no one is looking seriously into this matter here and it’s more scary than we can ever start to imagine when we hear that these ‘detectors’ are actually being generously ‘donated’ by some foreign states to our own securiy forces while they themselves wouldnt even touch them with a stick to play mini golf with them let alone use them to detect bombs when the lives of their own people are directly at stake..

In closing i want to pass my respects to those few local journalists who actually brought this topic to public attention many years ago, but the problem still remains today with these blatantly fake insult in-the-face bomb detectors being still used today putting our lives at risk again day by day.

Good intentions or not, honest ignorance of reality or not, good business practice or not, this shit practice of using expensive ‘bomb detectors’ that run on faith is not professional nor safe and must come to an end.

But dont just take my word for it, check the references and do your own research you’ll see.

Spread the word people, spread awareness and demand this gets investigated asap for your own safety..

References:

Sniffex scam Wired Article : www.wired.com/dangerroom/2007/02/sniffing_bomb_d/

Sniffex failing double blind test : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pa7mPNTjGEc

Quadro scam used in Iraq, video by James Randi:  www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruTmqfGJhTI

Water Dowsing by skepdic:  www.skepdic.com/dowsing.html

Arrest of bomb-dowsing kit businessman, The Register: http://www.theregister.co.uk/2010/01/22/dowsing_rod_bomb_detector_bust/

Old 2007 assafir article about questionable detectors in lebanon: link