The Quill

While its true that national internet blackouts only happen in Southpark and Lebanon, here in Lebanon we sadly dont have Cartman, Stan, Kenny & Kyle to keep us entertained so here is our very own special to-do list of top 10 internet things to do, without internet..

1-Searching.. i know asking Google or Wikipedia how to tie your shoelaces is second nature to you and me, but without internet to find answers to our stupid questions you might have to resort to doing something horrible.. actually talking to other people and even some reading. I know it sucks, but the good thing is that you can just give up when your janitor cant explain to you the new Higgs Boson and just make up your very own answers when you’r fed up of searching. Its like your very own know-it-all religion !

2-Catching viruses and Trojans.. we all love to collect weird viruses we downloaded with some weird god-knows-what-app on our pcs, but without the internet to deal with this overwhelming feeling of nostalgia you will have to go out and get yourself some good old close-contact AIDS or syphilis.

3- Sending emails and transfering files.. since the internet is long gone and no more, sending messages can be delagated to more reliable carrier pigeon services. If all pigeons are busy flying/having sidewalk food orgies, then just find a pleasant chap to make your new office boy and give him a tricyle to carry out your messages. Just make sure to protect all your messages before sending them by wrapping tightly in condoms all the letters and usb keys.

4-Flirting without Whatsapp/Googletalk.. since mobile and desktop chit chatter is now as alive as Romeo and Juliet were after jumping off the balcony, to flirt you are going to actually have to get up your ass and go talk to that person to ask her out in person, which brings up out next point matter actually..

5-Looking Facebook-good without Facebook.. lets face it, everyone looks like Brat Pit or Angolina Jolie on facebook, heck even some look sexier, so just how do you keep that je-ne-sais-quoi appeal you got going on Social Medias? Its easy, when you see the person you want to impress just dose them off with a pill or two of Ecstasy. If you like to impress everybody then its probably a good idea to go the source of the problem, the city water supply in this case, and dose off the whole city.

6-Browsing porn.. and this is very important since it accounts for no less than 90% of all internet trafic at work and outside it. But worry not, there are these time tested and proven things called Penthouse and Playboy magazines. They can usually be found in your dad’s room right next to his old Marvel and DC Comics collection and 80s retro music SmashHits magazines.

7-Stalking your friends online.. granted its very important to know what this girl did and what that guy said and get all the useless rumors and hearsay in the world about nothing at all, but without internet we have to do like our ancestors did and go to the bakery to chit chat about total bullshit and get other people’s personal life details n juicy bits.

8-Downloading pirated mp3s.. sorry i mean shopping online stuff like mp3s.. now ya i know its the best thing, and please dont misunderstand me i totally support the rich recording mafia cartels that will kidnap half your family if you ripoff 1 mp3, but without internet to get your fix of mp3s you have to put on your spacesuit and go outside to get your fix of legit mp3 dvds just down the street and round the corner if you know what i mean. Right next to that other guy selling super legit movies and videos games dvds..

9-Trolling the online metaphorical bridge.. if you’r the type that likes to vent off his bipolar disoders online anonymously by pissing off total random strangers vigorously, then fear not you can still do this shit in the real world with the time old tradition of sending hate mails and prank calling people in the middle of the night just to hear them curse you and scream.

10-Playing online MMORPGs games.. this one might prove difficult to compensate for in other countries, but here in Lebanon its rather easy since everyone is on the street already running around with RPGs. Its free to join and everyone is playing it too. So just pick up a grenade launcher and go do some point farming with other teams in the middle of the city streets, preferably lately in Tripoli..