Taboule-yayy Independence Day
‘Independence’, nothing spells independence better than issuing this English word accidentally on a bilingual French/Arabic paper bill to commemorate your country’s 70th accidental independence anniversary.
But as the governor of the Central Bank of Lebanon said live on television when confronted with this awesomeness ‘We at the National Bank know how to spell the word correctly, it’s the printing press to blame’ so do we taxpaying Lebanese citizens know major douchebag idiots when we see them yet strangely it’s the fault of the magical voters not us who bring such specimens to power in the first place.
But today isn’t about making a big fuss about a silly typo on a printed paper bill that cost us a few millions of dollars to print. It’s rather about thinking deeply how lucky we are to be independent of the French 70 years ago today.
So to recap our achievements, we will quickly remember all the horrible things the French mandate did to us and compare it to our golden age of independence thereafter.
-The French occupiers forced on us static made-up national borders
Who in this day and age believes in borders! Since they left we actively developed a blurred vision towards defining our southern, northern, eastern and soon to be western sea borders! It’s all dynamic and very progressive on our part. We just move the line in and out based on the amount of good Arak we just drank.
-The French occupiers built dark underground scary sewers
Being a people of renowned light and joy who love life, since the frenchies left we actively proceeded to dump our shit in the ocean in clear sight using natural rivers instead so we can all bask in the glory of our achievements and swim right next to that bastirma we flushed last night!
-The French occupiers built us a national oppressive dull army
Seriously, those darn French seemed to have never heard of the notion of liberty! The liberty of each hood or 3antar to have their own militia and paramilitary army with its very own kickass color! Luckily for us, we do! And compared to dull armies, our personal captains get their stars after 3 days of intensive training and get to choose cool ninja nicknames.
-The French built a useless railway track to connect the south of Lebanon to its north all the way into Syria
Now seriously, who gave the French the impression that we Lebanese want to easily travel from one city to another?? What the hell, we like to stay in our own hoods, we’re proud of that, next they will assume we’d allow our daughters to marry people from other sects or god forbid some damn atheists who doesn’t believe in super magical god creators who constantly whisper to us to kill each other !
-The French left us with stupid correctly spelled currency and that had actual value
At this stage we can already see how hopeless the French were and we can already start thanking the gods we got rid of them. How many nations in the world have cool typos on their currency designed by the best mental retards nepotism can find ?? In how many nations does it take a metric ton of fuckload inflated pounds to buy a single imported chocolate bar?? We are all rich here! Nuf said.
-The French left us with a shitload of stupid fucking green trees and mountains !
To be perfectly honest, this one is just disgusting. What were they thinking? We are a small nation what the hell were we supposed to do with all those trees tacking space and stupid ugly looking mountains. Thankfully we Lebanese have always been quite resourceful since our Phoenician ancestors and since the writing of this article 70 years later I can finally happily announce that we have gotten rid of most of those disgusting trees and have carved down a big portion of the mountains to build expensive concrete towers in their place that no one normal can live in. We Lebanese are not ones to brag, but an award of great achievement is I think clearly in order now..
-Finally, under French occupation we weren’t allowed to have fun wars internally or with our neighbors
Honest, fuck that, nothing beats clashing with Syria and Israel or allying with Palestinians and Syrians and then help them kill each other or launching sweet rocket propelled grenades at my neighbors from the other side of the hood because their accent is funny. Nothing spells ‘Rejel’ like an RPG in hand in good old lebnen.
Trully, few foreign people can appreciate their independence like we do in Lebanon.
All the joys of driving freestyle without lanes, and honking like a mule and kidnapping and preaching about morality throughout is something we built with effort here with our own two hands.
The whole country is like a big awesome Taboule mixed together, just look at the awesome Hummus Guinness book monster dish we proudly put together.
Now look at the dull frenchies, they will never get anywhere like us, they even still stand in line and talk about stupid shit like human rights and social care!
So to all you naggers out there today, stop bitch complaining and be grateful.
Today we proudly celebrate our 70th fuck all logic Taboule-yayy independence day!