Driving me.. mad in lebanon.

 

Well if you ever wondered why every other country on the planet would rather recognize toiler paper before recognizing our driving license first, here is why perhaps..

For you see in order to be a true lebanese driver you must master most of the following art forms :

-assume any idiot driving in front of you to be ‘another’ woman driving

-assume everyone else around you who isn’t you to be an idiot also

-never assume you are the idiot or ever wrong

-if the idiot in front of you was indeed a woman, check her out to see if she’s a hot cougar mama

-litter from your car the crap you just ate such as half eaten burgers and pepsi cans to improve road scenery

-try to park you car in the space allotted for 3 cars if you can

or if you can pull this off too even better yet

 

-resist the urge to stick to one lane, the concept of car lanes is as useless as stop signs

-make sure you give a signal only when you feel like it, regardless of taking turns or not

-make sure pedestrians respect your road authority and give you right of passage always even on the sidewalk, so make it clear that you are in a big tin car and that you can run them over anytime

-make sure you don’t fuck around with an asshole in a bigger tin car like a Humvee car or X5, for he can run you over instead with big smiling eyes

-master the art of not looking left and right on crossroads

-master the art of not even looking forward

-master the skills necessary to send instant BBM messages on the highway while talking about fingernails

-remember to keep smiling when you run someone over and continue driving listening to Justin Beiber’s song Never Say Never pretending nothing just happened

-drive with a loaded gun under the seat even if you don’t know how to use one, riot sticks and electric tasers will do too for citizens with a lower budget

-always have nearby a handy collection of casual curse words like sharmouta, akhou sharmouta, or imak a7beh for good measure

-always have nearby a backup collection of handy words too to use when you end up cursing a real big brute akhou sharmouta by mistake, such as inta khayeh and ana ma ken asdeh hek..

-always drive the highways fast like in formula one, and drift the corners of tight street roads like in a rally

-always assume you are the best driver that god ever shitted on the planet

ah damn damn damn, what did i do wrong now?!

 

-never wear your medical eye glasses, use the jedi force instead to feel around like Luke Skywalker did in Starwars to help you drive better blindly at night

-if you are old, drive in the middle of the highway at 20kph like a turtle in a coma who couldn’t care less

-if you are new to driving, hesitate like fidgeting squirrel each 2 seconds cuz that is the best way to avoid crashing your car it seems

-remember to put on your seat belt the moment the car crashes as your face embraces with a bloody smile the front shield glass

-assume that car crashes aren’t painful and that going to meet your maker wrapped up in a sardine can is actually a funny twitter status line

-outdo inbred retarded donkeys in stubbornness and never learn from your driving mistakes ever

-honk honk honk, always honk for no reason at all, the more annoying your honk the merrier

-always use the high nightlights to blind and kill the other incoming cars for free entertainment spectacles

-nag about the rising fuel prices as you rev up your engine in mid traffic jams

-always leave a comfortable safe distance of 1 meter between you and the car moving in front of you

-believe in the miraculous powers of ABS brakes when driving fast to save you from crashing into the ass of that same car 1 meter ahead of you

-learn to drive cars with dark ‘fume’ glass and a disdained attitude

-respect the stop signs only when you are not in a hurry to meet your girlfriend and get laid asap

-learn to drive while keeping your good eye on all nearby hot asses to promptly honk at

-if you drive a mobillete scooter make sure you drive it like an impressive moron imbecile whizzing around cars on one wheel like a buzzing fly with no headgear on nor any sense of mind whatsoever

-if you drive a big truck make sure you never use the breaks unless you crashed into more cars than your usual daily quota already

-if you drive a BMW make sure you drive fast and pretend you are in the movie the Fast and the Furious with hot chicks waiting for you at the finish line with champagne bottles, wet tshirts and big tits waving in the air at ya

yes this is what is waiting for you at the end of the line buddy..

 

-if you drive a taxi, make sure you stop in the middle of the highway and reverse backwards to pick up one guy

-if you drive public buses, make sure you race every other bus driver for passengers and listen to arabic tarab music out loud

-if you drive a Pincato, make sure you put racing stripes on it and pretend you are the rally god Colin Mcrae

and finally when you tell your friends about how you got a damn driving license with your name on it, make sure you brag with a big smug smile about how you bribed someone there to get it cuz you were too good and too busy playing with your cunt or balls to waste time on such stupid things like actually driving a car decently  and respecting road safety..

 

so to all you crazy fucking drivers & justin bieber fans out there,

pardon my french pumpkins but i’m fed up

 

 

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